


swearing is caring

by foureyedme



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Andy is a SHIELD agent, Annabeth and Nico are vaguely mentioned, Bucky & Steve are platonic soulmates, F/M, Female!Percy Jackson, I almost forgot, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Oh wait I do, Phil is also a Demigod, all of my knowledge comes from reading other fanfiction, also Andy is a certified Shit, also Annabeth & Andy & Nico are best friends sorry I don't make the rules, also another warning: I have never in my life actually watched Agents of SHIELD, also as the title suggests there is gratuitous swearing, bc i could not find a good place to put it, because I am personally useless, because honestly Fuck That with a very large stick haha no thanks my dude, capsicoul is so background it isn't actually there, her name is Andromeda, i wrote this at 2 in the morning, just a warning this is all crack, more like The Demigod, she went undercover instead of Jemma, so ... Look Out for that, sorry I don't make the rules - Freeform, the Mack/Fitz is there if you squint, this is a soulmate au, where the first words they say to each other are on their bodies somewhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 12:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11805813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foureyedme/pseuds/foureyedme
Summary: Andy wanted to point out, first of all, that none of this was her fault. Second, she wanted somebody, somewhere, to acknowledge it, because she would really appreciate it if she could go on with her regularly schedule daily routine without the Winter Solider pointing a gun at her head. Very much so, actually. She wasn’t going to say anything about it to him, though, because he was more likely to kill her if she did. She liked being alive, thank you, and Annabeth was a very, very nasty liar.Also, fuck this.Alternatively, Fuck Everything, an autobiography by Andromeda Jackson





	swearing is caring

**Author's Note:**

> hi there! if you didn't read the tags, you would not have realized that i wrote this instead of sleeping, or doing my homework. you're welcome! this is also 100% ridiculousness. you're welcome for that, too.

Andy wanted to point out, first of all, that none of this was her fault. Second, she wanted somebody, somewhere, to acknowledge it, because she would really appreciate it if she could go on with her regularly schedule daily routine _without_ the Winter Solider pointing a gun at her head. Very much so, actually. She wasn’t going to say anything about it to _him_ , though, because he was more likely to kill her if she did. She liked being alive, thank you, and Annabeth was a very, very nasty liar.

Also, _fuck_ this.

And Phil Coulson, for telling her that she would be a good undercover agent. She should’ve known better, really. Had she learned _nothing_ from all of those bad spy movies she’d watched on the couch in her senior year, stuck in between Nico and Annabeth, who were very loudly and very scathingly addressing all of the flaws in them. (Though frankly, that was all of the fun of watching bad spy movies with them.)

Andy remembered, distantly, Grover asking her what flowers she would want on her coffin way back before she’d learned she was a Demigod. _Forget-me-nots_ , she decided. _They serve a dual purpose. They’re blue and they tell everyone what I want them to do._ Returning to the present, she realized that the Soldier intended on using her as a demonstration, a felt a flash of annoyance run through her. _Really_ , she thought angrily, _that’s just unnecessary._ She knew it was probably because she was the only one in the room who had their hair down, but that was just fucking _rude_. She was also the only black woman in the room, but she was almost ninety percent sure that wasn’t why he’d picked her.

“Are you going to get this over with anytime soon, Buck?” Oh yeah, another reason this was _bullshit_. Captain America was just standing by the door, leaning up against the doorframe, casual as all hell. Like his best friend wasn’t about to murder a room full of people. _White people_ , Andy thought. _At least Hazel would have the decency to help me out._

“I want to savor this, Stevie.” The man answered.

Oh, _fuck you_. She was going to haunt the hell out of Coulson. Firstly, because she was going to die because of him. Secondly, because if his capital-H Hero Steven Grant Rogers condoned her murder she was going to make sure Coulson regretted ever fanboying over him.

Andy felt the metal tip of the gun dig in closer to her temple and she scowled. All over the room were horrified whimpers, and at least two of the other scientists were crying.

“Say hi to the devil for me, doll,” Bucky Barnes, her former favorite Howling Commando, said to her as he tightened his grip on the gun. _You have got to be FUCKING kidding me._

“Oh, will do, sweet-cheeks,” Andy snapped. If she was going to be murdered by her soulmate, she was at least going to go out with a fucking _spectacular_ one-liner. _Fuck_ this. “You want me to ask him if he’ll save you a seat?”

There was a sharp intake of breath behind her, a low curse in what was _probably_ Russian, and then Andy heard him hiss “Play dead” into her ear before he pulled the gun away from her head, and spoke to the room. “This is what you get for joining a Nazi organization,” he said, and pulled the trigger.

_Ow,_ was Andy’s first thought, as she tumbled to the ground, hitting the ground hard. Her eardrums felt like they’d been set on fire and then smashed with a sledgehammer. The world spun. She could only assume that Barnes went on to kill the other scientists in the room, but he honestly could’ve just performed the entirety of the Nutcracker and she would never have known any differently. Time seemed to pass in slow motion before a hand entered her line of vision. She flinched back as a precaution and then noticed that the hand connected to Bucky Barnes’ body. _Oh, hell no, buddy._

Andy pushed herself up and immediately regretted it, stumbling back into her desk, the corner edge of which dug uncomfortably into her back. Her ears screamed at her as she turned towards her computer, hit the save button and removed her flash drive. Her instincts hadn’t failed her, at least. At a loss for where to put the flash drive, she shoved it down her bra and turned back to the Winter Soldier, who was glaring at her. _Well fuck you too, dickless,_ Andy thought savagely, her eyes going past him to Captain America, who was also glaring at her. _Fuck all of this! Fuck Phil Coulson! Fuck the world! Fuck fuck fuck!_

Her eyes shifting back to Barnes, she noticed his lips moving. “You think I can tell what the fuck you’re saying right now? You just shot a gun right next to my damn eardrums.” The American Heroes seemed to get even angrier at that, and Andy could only imagine what her voice sounded like right now. Barnes grabbed her arm and started to pull her out of the room. Dimly, she recognized the dead bodies on the ground. _Good riddance to shitty garbage_ , she thought with a sense of finality. One way or another, she was finally getting to leave this damn HYDRA base. _Fuck you, Director Coulson_ , she thought again.

Captain America took hold of her other arm, and Andy realized she was being manhandled out of the building, most likely to a holding cell in whatever place they were operating in nowadays. _Fuck that noise_ , she scowled, and twisted herself out of their holds, imagining herself in the employee lounge on the fifth floor.

Somewhat normally, every HYDRA agent was assigned a cubby of sorts, where they could stash the stuff they couldn’t take into labs. She had to leave Riptide and her watch-shield in her locker every day, and she wasn’t leaving the base until she had retrieved them.

Andy felt a familiar tug in her gut as she disassembled herself, turning into small little water molecules that flew through the ceilings until she had reached her destination. Thumbing the access panel, Andy ripped the locker open as soon as the light blinked green. She snatched her things up and ran for the window, grateful that Nico had told her to bring a whistle for Blackjack, just in case. The glass shattered under the pressure as she slammed through it, and she was caught before she’d even made it two stories down.

“ _Hey boss_ ,” Blackjack greeted her, the world blurring around them. “ _How was your mission_?”

\---

Unbeknownst to Andy, her disappearing act had a very different effect on the two Super Soldiers than it did on her.

“What the fuck!” Bucky yelled, whirling around to look up and down the hallway they’d just turned in to. “What the _fuck_!”

Steve took a more helpful approach. “Tony,” he said into the comm unit. “You see any new presence in your HUD?”

Tony’s voice crackled through the radio. “Sure do, oh captain my captain. Fifth floor; blueprints say it’s a break room.” Bucky tore off in the direction of the stairs. “This new female wouldn’t happen to the new soulmate Bucky just found, would it?”

Steve wanted to tell Tony to kindly fuck off, but settled for glaring at the ceiling. “Yep,” he said, forcing his voice to sound conversational. “Just our luck that his soulmate is a HYDRA scientist.” He could hear Bucky swearing in Russian over the comm line, but he didn’t bother addressing it. It was excused. _Fuck_.

“Well – oh shit what the _fuck_ was that!” Tony sounded alarmed, which had Steve running after Bucky.

“Iron Man, report!” He barked.

“Well, Cap,” Tony started, voice startled. “I think your girl was just rescued by a real-life Pegasus.”

Steve stopped in his tracks as Bucky started swearing louder, in English this time. “ _Fuck_ ,” he said with feeling.

\---

Andy walked back into the kitchen in the Playground after bidding Blackjack goodbye and feeding him a handful of sugar cubes. Simmons was standing in front of the counter, smearing what looked like blueberry cream cheese onto a bagel. “Oh, leave that out, _please_.” Andy loved blueberry cream cheese.

Simmons jumped, spinning around and turning the butter knife in her hand until it could function as a semi-useless weapon. The defense only lasted a second as Jemma threw the knife onto the counter and jumped at her a second later. “Andy!” The Englishwoman yelled, her voice muffled by Andy’s shoulder. “When did you get back?”

“Like, five minutes ago.” Andy said, immediately regretting it when she got a mouthful of Jemma’s hair. The older woman pulled back with a bright smile, snickering as Andy pretended to spit hair out of her mouth. “How has everything been here?”

“Fitz is doing a lot better, if that’s what you meant. Having Mack around is really helping his healing.” Jemma turned back to her bagel, smashing the two sides together before taking a bite. “Does Coulson know you’re back?”

“I sure do now.” The two girls swiveled to see the director of SHIELD standing in the doorway. “Agent Jackson, welcome back.”

Andy scowled good-naturedly. “No thanks to your childhood hero.” She grumbled. “Who, let it be stated for the record, is not as nice as I was led to believe.”

Coulson raised an eyebrow and walked further into the room, ending up by Jemma, who mumbled a “hi” through a mouthful of bagel and cream cheese. “Am I allowed to ask for further elaboration?”

“Oh yeah, go ahead.” Andy waved a hand.

“Well then, please elaborate further.” Coulson adjusted his cuff links and leaned back to sit on top of the table, crossing his arms.

“He almost let my soulmate kill me.”

Jemma choked.

Coulson wasn’t much better off.

Andy smirked and pulled a bagel from the bag before tying it back up. She pulled the pieces apart and stuck them in the toaster. _I wonder if I’ll finish putting cream cheese on it before they snap back to reality._

A minute later, Coulson shook off his shock, talking at the same time as Jemma. “ _Your soulmate almost killed you?”_ He demanded, looking angry.

“ _You met your soulmate_?” Jemma shrieked.

Andy pointed Jemma’s discarded butter knife at her. “Priorities, Simmons.” She turned to face Coulson. “And, in his defense, he thought I was a HYDRA agent.” Coulson scowled.

“Who.” They said at the same time.

Andy took a moment to pull her bagel out of the toaster and drop it onto a napkin. She enjoyed feeling the tension in the room skyrocket the longer she took to answer. Jemma was almost visibly vibrating by the time Andy turned around with two slices of the bagels, cream cheese thick on top, and took a bite out of one. She chewed carefully, wondering how much longer she could get away with not answering. Based off the thunderous look on Coulson’s face, not much longer. Andy decided to put them out of their misery, and almost certainly extend her life by at least a minute. “James Buchanan Barnes,” she answered clearly.

Jemma dropped her bagel. Andy hastily threw out a plate-sized bit of water to catch it before it could hit the floor. The Englishwoman didn’t even seem to notice.

Coulson’s jaw had dropped. His mouth closed with a sudden click, and he stood up and started to walk out of the room, muttering under his breath.

Jemma hadn’t moved by the time she finished the first slice of her bagel. “Jem?” Andy questioned, biting into her second piece. “Jemma? Simmons!” That snapped her out of it.

“ _BUCKY BARNES TRIED TO KILL YOU?”_ Her voice was much higher, and much sharper than Andy had ever heard it go. She was suddenly very glad she had never before provoked this level of fury in her friend.

\---

Bucky paced up and down the length of the table in the meeting room, his mind firmly on the events at the HYDRA base a week earlier. That girl – _your soulmate_ , his mind whispered, and he snapped at it, _my soulmate is not a HYDRA scientist, thank you!_ – just disappeared into thin air. The only thing anybody could think of to explain it was that, stealing a word created by JK Rowling, she had apparated. Tony had argued that apparating made a loud _crack_ ing noise, probably because he was, one, a little shit, and two, an avid Harry Potter fan. (Bucky, in the privacy of his own mind, thanked him for saying that, because it was driving him crazy.)

Steve sighed at him from across the table. “Bucky.” He said, and Bucky didn’t even have to look to know the exact expression his best friend - _at least I have one good soulmate,_ Bucky thought,  _and who needs anyone other than their platonic, anyways_ - was wearing. His eyebrows would be drawn together, lips pursed in a frown that was uncomfortably close to his disappointed one, and a stern look in his eyes. He chanced a glance. _Yep_ , Bucky thought, _exactly right._ The face served its purpose, though, and Bucky stopped pacing, instead dropping into a seat next to Stark.

“Thank fuck,” Clint muttered in the background, earning a bitchface from Bucky.

The table was silent for a few moments before, “What do you think Fury wants?” Everyone turned to look at Bruce, who shrugged. “Trying to pass the time.”

Tony sighed, and propped his chin up on his hand. “Probably wants to ask what super-secret song we’re working on.” Bucky snorted. “Of course, that’s code for ‘what the fuck do you motherfuckers think you’re doing’.” Bucky opened his mouth to reply but was beat by a low curse from Clint that made Natasha turn around and hiss.

“That’s a good guess, Stark,” a man’s voice said smoothly, and Tony let out a string of swear words in various languages. “An accurate one, too.”

Bucky looked up at Steve to see his expression change from one of shock to one of anger, and he turned around in his seat to see a middle-aged man immaculately dressed in a crisp black suit, hands clasped in front of him. He sent a tight-lipped smile to Bucky, one that promised pain. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he remarked that he’d like peonies on his casket.

“But, more specifically, I am here to ask Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes what the _fuck_ they were thinking when they tried to kill my agent.” He cocked his head to look at the blond super soldier. “So,” he said politely, “let’s begin.”

\---

Andy was sipping happily at her blue lemonade when she heard voices coming up the corridor to the break room. She didn’t bother looking over her shoulder to see who was approaching, confident in the fact that it would be one of her team members.

That was her mistake.

“Agent Jackson,” Coulson’s voice rang out from behind her.

“Hi, DC.” Andy replied raising her unoccupied hand in a half-wave before dropping it back down to her keyboard. “What’s up?” She took another, unhurried sip of her lemonade. It was probably the best lemonade she’d ever had. Kudos to her.

“Agent Jackson,” Coulson repeated, voice closer.

Andy huffed out a sigh, putting her lemonade down on the table in front of her before turning, and immediately jumping up and reaching for her gun, which was laying on the counter next to the empty pitcher of lemonade. Well, kudos to her, she guessed. “Fuck!” she yelled. “Are you kidding me, DC? It wasn’t enough that I almost died? You have to bring him to finish the job?”

Coulson raised his hands placatingly, earning him a glare. “I apologize for the surprise, Agent Jackson.” He said calmly. _Bullshit_ , Andy thought. _You’re enjoying this._ “Sergeant Barnes requested I bring him here so he could offer his apologies for almost killing you. In his defense,” he parroted her, “he thought you were a HYDRA agent.”

_Oh, you’re so going to the Fields of Punishment_ , Andy thought, clenching her jaw. Her eyes met Bucky’s, and she softened slightly. If by slightly, she meant completely. And by completely, she meant she went totally boneless and collapsed on the floor with an inhuman sounding groan. “Why did I ever let you persuade me to join SHIELD?” She asked the ceiling, huffing when her only answer was the sound of Coulson’s shoes retreating from the room. “Fuck Phil Coulson,” she muttered with feeling.

Bucky, for his part, dropped on the floor next to her, propping his chin up on the back of his hands. “Hi again, doll.” Andy turned her head to glare at him. He just grinned. _Bastard,_ Andy muttered internally, the rest of her mind 100% swayed by the charm he was exuding. His grin faded slightly and he looked capital-D Distressed. “I’m sorry for, y’know, almost killin’ you an’ all.”

Andy turned her glare up at the ceiling. This was a totally bullshit scenario, and she would like everyone, everywhere, to acknowledge it. None of this was her fault. She’d been a good little Demigod, running around first on the orders of the Gods, and then on the orders of probably the oldest Demigod ever – Philip J. Coulson, son of Hermes. She had done absolutely nothing to deserve this. Her eyes shifted back over to the man lying on the dirty wooden floor next to her. She softened again.

She could always blame it on the Brooklynn accent.

“Well,” Andy said, rolling over onto her stomach and grabbing one of Bucky’s hands, intertwining their fingers and feeling his entire body jerk with surprise. “In your defense, you thought I was a HYDRA agent.”

Bucky's smile made her thank the Gods for the day she met Phil Coulson.

_Fuck_. 

**Author's Note:**

> wow, you actually made it through to the end? congratulations. if you liked it, please leave a kudos, or-or even a *deep breath* acommentbecausemysleepdeprivedbrainactuallyworkedreallyhardonthisandithriveoffofconstantvalidation. thanks!
> 
> first words:   
> bucky to andy: "say hi to the devil for me, doll."  
> andy to bucky: "oh, will do, sweet-cheeks. you want me to ask hi if he'll save you a seat?"  
> coulson to steve: "so, let's begin."  
> steve to coulson (off-screen after five minutes, after bucky's prompting): "holy shit you're my soulmate!" (against his better judgement, coulson does not flee)


End file.
